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Gratitude

Waking up early this morning. Feeling fresh and refreshed. It has been a good night. One in which I woke up only once to go to the bathroom( that is a big plus for me).

  1. For the computer, internet and wi-fi that are available 24 hours a day and let me have a virtual world apart from the real world. The virtual world helps me escape from reality for a good while.
  2. For ability to get access to books that help me improve my knowledge of things I thought I knew but actually didn’t and new things I learn every day. For recipes I am learning, creating and perfecting through these readings.
  3. For lowered blood sugars and blood pressure readings and the joy of seeing my husband happy and relaxed. The blessing of seeing this can’t be described in words. I never imagined my life to be so run by the happiness of another person but it is so, it has come to be so after 25 years of being in another person’s life. It comes to me that I have lived more years with this one person than with my parents.
  4. For 20 hungry cats that wait at my door each morning and evening and sometimes just hungry for a pat or a word from my mouth( I talk to animals). For each day I have with them though the thought that they won’t be much longer with me does bother me, I am determined to live in the moment.
  5. For a supervisor who has cooled down and is able to take time off from her worries and enjoy life at work. Her happiness transfers to us too and it is a blessing not to hear the tap of her shoes on the stone floors outside our rooms as she runs to get things done. For the slower pace of things this summer.
  6. For the ability to look at the better side of things at least when it involves others. I am trying to incorporate this in my life too.
  7. For smiles- for the smiles I see each day, for the smiles that remain in the world still. For people who give their smiles freely still. For people who don’t expect anything in return.
  8. For smart world leaders who do their job in their own characteristic way in spite of all the obstacles in their way. For the leader of a certain party who went out of his way to give a bear hug to his bitter critic opponent in parliament and who is ridiculed for it- for his guts to do so and not to keep grudges.
  9. For two legs that allow me to walk at will and that are under my control. I need to appreciate this ability more when I have them rather than wait for when I don’t.
  10. For eyes that see and ears that hear and a skin that heals fast even when injured. For a body that keeps me in one piece despite all the injuries I inflict on it.
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Thursday Thoughts

Its been two weeks since that day.  My shock day for 2018, I am going to call it. Where I pummeled down to the lowest a man can go.

I have stopped thinking over it. Today I met my supervisor who is back from holiday. Meeting her would, I thought, be embarrassing. I was losing sleep over it. I had said all my byes and said, enough and all that and then now I am eating humble pie. Life seems to be about eating humble pie often. It just goes to show where man thinks he/she is and that that position is not at all stable. It is perhaps better not to soar too high, so the fall is not too great. Arrogance – I must have been arrogant or I would not feel like I am eating humble pie, right? Well, it is a lesson, well learned.

Image result for humble pie

The meeting with the supervisor was not too bad. She seems happy to have me back. I am grateful for the money from the job. I am grateful for the freedom of spending again but of course, I wish life had taken a different course. In a way I am glad, I am here, yet, to support my family while they are making changes in their lives but when I get an email from my college- I still call it that, there is a certain wistful thinking, of things that might have been. Maybe older women are not meant to study and are just meant to mind the hearth. I feel like Jo of Little Women when she returned from the boarding house home and found that everything looked the same but nothing satisfied.

Image result for little women

For the past two months( since April), my diet and watching over my weight has all gone for a toss. With daughter 2’s exams looming on the horizon and the family predicting doom about her admissions, it took all of my positive spirits and bucking up to keep things up. Exams done, she did well, she secured admissions to good colleges but the midnight oil that burned during the process and the sleepless nights, the leptin and the increased, never-ending appetite and the eternal hunger pangs and the consolation, albeit temporary from eating food, even icecreams( which I have never even liked since childhood) and sweets( which I haven’t eaten since 2004), all goes to show how much of a toll the constant pushing of my limits was taking on me. I have not been taking care of myself.

Image result for Baskin robbins icecream

I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t. Really, I mean, what is the point of living so long anyway? If I eat well and exercise and look well, what is the point? At some time, I am sure to get some lifestyle disease or some cancer or something else. See my thoughts. There was no rhyme or reason to them- was it the beginning of the empty nest syndrome?

Image result for empty nest syndrome

Anyway, the thing is, this week, I have taken time to read and write and look well- put makeup on. I know makeup makes me look, well, made up and I am someone who loves the natural, no make up look. Still, I did some blackening of my eyes, some color on my face, smoothening up some holes, dental work, and hair care. I have rubbed lotions and oils on my body and put vitamin E cream on my face. This last because there was a tube of this very expensive cream lying on my dresser, I had never used before but must have bought some time in a trance and never used. The day after using the cream, I looked at my face and it looked different. By that time, I had forgotten I had done something to my face the previous night( applying the cream). My face shone like it used to when I was younger. Suddenly it struck me that I had rubbed some of that cream last night on my face. So the second night in a row, I applied some more of it on my face. Today, this morning, I looked at my face, and I notice, my face shining. This cream seems to be working on my menopausal skin.

Image result for vitamin E cream

This seems to be a good time to take care of me. No family, plenty of time, only my cat to take care of. Well, the point of this post – at last.

I am going to do the keto diet- this diet seemingly works for me as I am not very fond of carbohydrates anyway and can eat all I want of fats, what is not to like?

It is a 24 hour fast today- only lemon water, black coffee, tea allowed. This is a detox to get rid of all the sugars in my body.

 

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Day 33- intrigue

June 16, 2018

Read a facebook post today of a girl. She was a student at the Medical College I graduated from. Different from me, she stayed on there and continued till she became a Neurosurgeon- perhaps one of the few women neurosurgeons in the whole country. And after reaching the pinnacle of her success- one day, 10 years ago, she quit and she moved countries. From sweltering heat to freezing snows- to Calgary, in Canada. For years she has been on a journey in search of herself and though she has no qualms of leaving a remunerative profession, she does look back. She is now a writer. After years of hibernation in the snow and the cool summers and the flowers and in the lap of nature, she has returned to her motherland- I do wonder why. And everything about the motherland surprises her- the heat, the interference, the internet, the poking nose into other people’s affairs- everything.

I seem to be in a similar boat too- I have not returned to my alma mater for any reunion or meetings with classmates since I graduated.My ideal world is where there would be very few of my classmates or college mates. The irony of the situation is that my elder daughter is at the very same institution doing her Masters degree and my husband did his graduation and post graduation from there. I seem to be running away too. I now live in the lap of luxury- materially. I have everything a normal human being would require- freedom to buy and spend on most things I require or don’t require- Price tags are just things to pull out of things I buy- not things to look at and debate about whether I need such a costly thing. Apart from the desert landscape, the brown color of everything depresses me. A rainy day fascinates me. Floods intrigue me. The grass is  always greener somewhere else.

My farewell party- Cyn asked me what I would miss most about my current job. I said the ability to spend freely and not watch pennies, or dollars for that matter. What would I not miss ? The ability to write freely, speak freely with no religious overtones or undertones, the ability to breathe fresh air, with no dust. Dust free- that would be ideal. And mobility- to use my two legs without having to look at the pedometer and wonder how I haven’t made 10K steps yet. It always looks like my day ends with just about 800 steps.  I will not miss the sedentary life. People at the party rolled eyes at me- there was one who has been in the country 15 years and was skeptical of my return to my mother country. I may not like it once I reach there. Things may look rosy now but may be too watery there.

Is life about running away all the time ? I am glad my husband is a keeper and hangs on to me for dear life, or I am sure I would run away from him too. Books are a means for me to escape from reality and so is food. Food is such a comfort- there is no hunger that drives my passion for eating. There is food, so it must be eaten- that’s the rule I follow.

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Cat update and my day 31

The second last day before my diet ends. I am actually going to miss it, so I think I am going to continue it. A loss of 5 kgs is not a joke for me, someone who has been trying to do so for at least a few years. My sugar cravings are gone now, completely. I don’t want to be going there again and if I remind myself that I am on the diet formally, maybe I won’t fall off.

Kath, one of my coworkers has  a six week old puppy, who she adopted grudgingly recently. The puppy is seemingly healthy, playful and has a good appetite. My friend has dreadlocks and the puppy likes to sleep on her neck and he apparently chews her dreadlocks to soothe himself to sleep. Long story short, the puppy now has an inflated tummy and is sometimes in pain. His bowel and bladder move normally and he is eating well  but Kath is worried about the puppy. A scan of the abdomen showed a few blocks in his system and the vet is not sure what they are. Kath teaches diving on weekends and as her classes are important to her and her students, she would like someone to look after her pup while she is out teaching. Of course, I said I could keep her. At my home there is a 4 year old cat and I am not sure how he is going to react to having a pup at home. Called my husband up and he agreed to have her.

The stray cat Gundu is still in my laundry room. The guy who helps with housework took a look at him yesterday and told me cheerfully that he was a goner. He had seen the other strays lie down similarly for days before they passed on. I lost my spirit after this and went up to sit in my room and brood. Previously such emotions would have led me straight to a binge. Now I didn’t feel like it- was it my extreme anxiety or my genuinely having lost my sugar cravings- I can’t tell. When I came down at around 7:30 pm to get my daughter her dinner, I looked in at him and found him down from his cushioned perch and down on the floor, near the door- and— he was on all four legs. I called out to my house help and boy, was he surprised. I forgot to mention that while I was upstairs, I prayed with all my heart for him and concluded with ” Lord, if it is your will, take him.” Shortly after, I saw him  on all four legs . He still didn’t want to eat anything but he was looking a little more alive than the previous day- it was now about 36 hours since this started.

I put him on his window perch outside my kitchen window and he sat there quietly watching the other strays eating. There are about 7 now, left after the poisoner did his job. After some time he allowed me to carry him and put him inside the laundry room on his cushion.

This morning at 3 am, I woke up and found him quite awake and eyes alive. He hit himself against my legs as cats often do and then when I sat down on the floor wanted to climb on my lap, which I let him. He sat there peacefully and I sat at peace too, grateful in the moment, for the few extra minutes that God had granted me with him. You can never tell with strays.

At 6 am, I went to check on him again and he came out of the room on his own and even sniffed at a bit of his favourite cat food but didn’t seem to want any. But at least he sniffed.And that is something.

So at the beginning of day 31, I am at 85 kgs and am wearing a top which was way too tight for me when I was “obese” and now I could just about manage to pull over my head but at least it got in. My bust looks crushed because the top is a little tight over there but I am ok. The arms feel tight. It is good to be back in the ” XL” range of clothes from XXL or XXXL.

And I am grateful.