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Words without brakes

It is surprising how reading a book inspires one to write. A fountain that was dried up seems to want to send out water again. A tap that ran dry seems to be waiting to be opened up and let flow. Poetry seems to be flowing out. Can there be magic in a pen and can magic transfer from one writer to another ? It would seem so.

When I post, usually I read and re-read and sometimes trash my posts because they have been written over days and the day I am ready to publish, the post does not resonate with my inner muse anymore. Time has changed my outlook on the same issue even though much time has not gone by. Even seconds can change one’s way of looking at the same thing. Writing a post for me is like capturing a moment on a photographic plate, slicing through my life at that point in time. In epidemiology, cross sectional studies are defined as those studies that report events as they are at a particular point of time- such are my usual blog posts. A few days later, the same post does not seem right enough as it did the day it was conceived. Am I driveling ? Perhaps I am. But I continue to write in order not to stop the flow of that muse that has seen drier days and lonelier nights.

The book I picked up at the airport on my way back is my inspiration. ” Second Thoughts” by Navtej Sarna. It is a book which should be a reader’s dream book. A book that speaks of the writer’s travels through the circumstances and sometimes the places where the writers of his choice once lived or wrote. Imagine having the freedom to go to places or sit on site at tables or in rooms where writers once wrote and imagine the thoughts that went into those writer’s minds as they wrote. Writing should be the most honest of crafts for if written as words are born in the mind, it should be a thread that connects the soul of the writer with the soul of the reader. When I began posting I was such a writer. Over years, a veil seems to have clouded my writing, I seem to go back and read over my words and decide certain words must go or some thought removed( often to not offend) and then the post becomes presentable. In the process it becomes far removed from what it should have been. I see now, that my posts in recent days have been dishonest.

I am inspired to look in my library for many of the books written about in ” Second Thoughts”. The book describes the book ” Breakfast at Tiffany’s” by Truman Capote,which probably will be the first book I will be looking for. And another book- Landour Days by Ruskin Bond, which I might have read before but am inspired to read again. Seems like Landour Days is like a collection of Bond’s ” Morning Pages”, if such can be, a rambling through his days in Landour, a hill station in the Himalayas. The words the book quotes from “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” are the ones that have inspired me to look for the original –

“Never love a wild thing. A hawk with a hurt wing. One time it was a full grown bobcat with a broken leg. But you can’t give your heart to a wild thing: the more you do, the stronger they get.Until they are strong enough to run into the woods.Or fly into a tree. Then a taller tree. Then the sky. That’s how you will end up— If you let yourself love a wild thing. You will end up looking at the sky.”

As a mother who is probably going to lose her treasure to another, these words seem prophetic to me. Is that funny ? Is there even a comparison between a wild thing and a child ? Giving your heart to another living thing until one day that living thing leaves you and you are left looking at emptiness. If what remained was the blue sky, I would take it. If what remained was memories of good times together, I probably don’t want it. Does that mean one should not love to not be left holding the kite strings, once the kite has broken free ? When did I become a mother like this ? When did I change ?

Where do my rambling thoughts take me ? Mothers are funny creatures. They love and love and love, until surprisingly one day, the love seems to be a chain, a burden, a heavy weighted vest, which has to be cast off.

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Gratitude

Waking up early this morning. Feeling fresh and refreshed. It has been a good night. One in which I woke up only once to go to the bathroom( that is a big plus for me).

  1. For the computer, internet and wi-fi that are available 24 hours a day and let me have a virtual world apart from the real world. The virtual world helps me escape from reality for a good while.
  2. For ability to get access to books that help me improve my knowledge of things I thought I knew but actually didn’t and new things I learn every day. For recipes I am learning, creating and perfecting through these readings.
  3. For lowered blood sugars and blood pressure readings and the joy of seeing my husband happy and relaxed. The blessing of seeing this can’t be described in words. I never imagined my life to be so run by the happiness of another person but it is so, it has come to be so after 25 years of being in another person’s life. It comes to me that I have lived more years with this one person than with my parents.
  4. For 20 hungry cats that wait at my door each morning and evening and sometimes just hungry for a pat or a word from my mouth( I talk to animals). For each day I have with them though the thought that they won’t be much longer with me does bother me, I am determined to live in the moment.
  5. For a supervisor who has cooled down and is able to take time off from her worries and enjoy life at work. Her happiness transfers to us too and it is a blessing not to hear the tap of her shoes on the stone floors outside our rooms as she runs to get things done. For the slower pace of things this summer.
  6. For the ability to look at the better side of things at least when it involves others. I am trying to incorporate this in my life too.
  7. For smiles- for the smiles I see each day, for the smiles that remain in the world still. For people who give their smiles freely still. For people who don’t expect anything in return.
  8. For smart world leaders who do their job in their own characteristic way in spite of all the obstacles in their way. For the leader of a certain party who went out of his way to give a bear hug to his bitter critic opponent in parliament and who is ridiculed for it- for his guts to do so and not to keep grudges.
  9. For two legs that allow me to walk at will and that are under my control. I need to appreciate this ability more when I have them rather than wait for when I don’t.
  10. For eyes that see and ears that hear and a skin that heals fast even when injured. For a body that keeps me in one piece despite all the injuries I inflict on it.
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Gratitude

Monday is the day set apart for being grateful. Honestly this morning I am not finding many things to be grateful about but let me try. Let me see what makes me grouchy first this morning.

  1. Grateful for the Air Conditioning in the house for without it and the power supply we would not be able to live in arid conditions. Thank you.
  2. For family that has returned safe after more than a week of busy travel and activity.
  3. For the Thai boys who got rescued last night from the cave and for the remaining 8 boys who are still alive.
  4. For the cool wind that brought cooler weather in some parts of the world and did not bring harm.
  5. Oh, now that I am counting, there seem to be so many. For a friend who is busy at work but still writing and I know she is well somewhere.
  6. For the guts to face up to someone I needed to forgive.
  7. For sleep and hunger that plague me through the day. There are many people who do not feel these basic instincts of life. I am often not grateful for my hunger for food and cravings for crunchy stuff. I am grateful that I seem to have gotten over my sugar cravings.
  8. For a sister who works hard at work and at home with her children and her ill health. She has been looking after my husband and children every time they visited her city over the past two months.
  9. For the woman at the visa counter because she set me off on an alternate path of life, one that I never thought I would be going on this July. For new times and new experiences.
  10. For a spare car that in spite of my car being silent and still in the garage works well and takes me in comfort to work.
  11. For the chapel service that went well last night – that elder daughter sang in the choir for- it was her first experience singing in a choir and for appreciation. For the younger daughter who was kept safe through weeks of travel back and forth to the home country and the church service she attended here yesterday.
  12. For peaceful times at home and the cats outside. For peaceful neighbors who live their lives quietly. For a neighbour girl who put on 5 kilos of weight after a battle with extreme starvation. It made me happy to see her almost like her old self yesterday. I hope she gains her body image back- is that the correct way of putting it ?
  13. For the monthly times for both my girls. I have come to appreciate this with their lives as they have often missed these cycles in their lives but this year, seems to have brought regularity in their rhythms.
  14. For the change in mood from when I started this post, that I don’t want to write what was bothering me at the beginning of this writing.

Thank you for this day and for the challenges this day will bring.

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Thursday Thoughts

Its been two weeks since that day.  My shock day for 2018, I am going to call it. Where I pummeled down to the lowest a man can go.

I have stopped thinking over it. Today I met my supervisor who is back from holiday. Meeting her would, I thought, be embarrassing. I was losing sleep over it. I had said all my byes and said, enough and all that and then now I am eating humble pie. Life seems to be about eating humble pie often. It just goes to show where man thinks he/she is and that that position is not at all stable. It is perhaps better not to soar too high, so the fall is not too great. Arrogance – I must have been arrogant or I would not feel like I am eating humble pie, right? Well, it is a lesson, well learned.

Image result for humble pie

The meeting with the supervisor was not too bad. She seems happy to have me back. I am grateful for the money from the job. I am grateful for the freedom of spending again but of course, I wish life had taken a different course. In a way I am glad, I am here, yet, to support my family while they are making changes in their lives but when I get an email from my college- I still call it that, there is a certain wistful thinking, of things that might have been. Maybe older women are not meant to study and are just meant to mind the hearth. I feel like Jo of Little Women when she returned from the boarding house home and found that everything looked the same but nothing satisfied.

Image result for little women

For the past two months( since April), my diet and watching over my weight has all gone for a toss. With daughter 2’s exams looming on the horizon and the family predicting doom about her admissions, it took all of my positive spirits and bucking up to keep things up. Exams done, she did well, she secured admissions to good colleges but the midnight oil that burned during the process and the sleepless nights, the leptin and the increased, never-ending appetite and the eternal hunger pangs and the consolation, albeit temporary from eating food, even icecreams( which I have never even liked since childhood) and sweets( which I haven’t eaten since 2004), all goes to show how much of a toll the constant pushing of my limits was taking on me. I have not been taking care of myself.

Image result for Baskin robbins icecream

I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t. Really, I mean, what is the point of living so long anyway? If I eat well and exercise and look well, what is the point? At some time, I am sure to get some lifestyle disease or some cancer or something else. See my thoughts. There was no rhyme or reason to them- was it the beginning of the empty nest syndrome?

Image result for empty nest syndrome

Anyway, the thing is, this week, I have taken time to read and write and look well- put makeup on. I know makeup makes me look, well, made up and I am someone who loves the natural, no make up look. Still, I did some blackening of my eyes, some color on my face, smoothening up some holes, dental work, and hair care. I have rubbed lotions and oils on my body and put vitamin E cream on my face. This last because there was a tube of this very expensive cream lying on my dresser, I had never used before but must have bought some time in a trance and never used. The day after using the cream, I looked at my face and it looked different. By that time, I had forgotten I had done something to my face the previous night( applying the cream). My face shone like it used to when I was younger. Suddenly it struck me that I had rubbed some of that cream last night on my face. So the second night in a row, I applied some more of it on my face. Today, this morning, I looked at my face, and I notice, my face shining. This cream seems to be working on my menopausal skin.

Image result for vitamin E cream

This seems to be a good time to take care of me. No family, plenty of time, only my cat to take care of. Well, the point of this post – at last.

I am going to do the keto diet- this diet seemingly works for me as I am not very fond of carbohydrates anyway and can eat all I want of fats, what is not to like?

It is a 24 hour fast today- only lemon water, black coffee, tea allowed. This is a detox to get rid of all the sugars in my body.

 

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Gratitude post

After a week of raging and ranting, I am going to look for positives in my life. I don’t often do a gratitude post as I don’t find much to be grateful about. You know what my personality is from this.

  1. Grateful that I have one devoted husband who loves me despite everything: I have taken him for granted.
  2. Grateful for people in my life- the woman who cleans my desk and stops to say a word- we discover common interests like gardening, craftwork- she gave me one of her creations last week, thinking it was my last week at work.IMG_20180702_054345.jpg

 

The cook who cooks for our family- she was appointed to take care of husband’s food while I was gone but she continues with us as she is a help and I realize how hard I worked to take care of the family over the years and a job. I am grateful.

 

I am grateful for the man who cleans our house- he has been doing this for about 8 years now.  There are many people who I must remember but can’t because I can’t think of them right now.

3. I am grateful for the cats and my cat, who give me a sense that someone wants me and I can still be useful.

4. For my blog friends, many of whom help me through the day because of their grounded posts and their perspectives on life. For the invitation into your lives and the care you provide to many through your writing, I am grateful.

The rabbitpatchdiary

Linda Schaub

Mehrling Muse

The Chicken Grandma

A timeless lady : For the big online hug which showed me that people from far away care.

BC Parkinson

Thecobwebemporium

Gobblefunksite : For caring enough to even make a blog post when I requested. Thank you

Talking to my weightloss counselor

The bespectacled mom

Dream Big

Cupcakeblog : for great conversations and non-judgmental writing and the inspiring posts you write about how to fight adversity in a logical way

5. I am grateful that I now have the time to connect with my inner self. I have a second life now and I am grateful that I am going to make use of it. I am grateful that I can read the Good Word and learn to practise it in my life.

6. I am grateful that my mother in spite of her surgeries and her health issues, is spirited enough for a good argument on any day. I feel happy after a good argument with her, because that gives me the feeling that she still has the spirit in her. 🙂

7. I am grateful for the ability to learn- I seem to be able to learn anything if I put my mind to it. This is a discovery I made after my 40s.

8.  For the fact that my scholarship application was opened even though the deadline passed on June 15- for reviving hope

9. I am grateful for the ability to spend money again, after months of skimping

10. I am grateful that despite my running away, love follows me.

The list can be longer but it shows when I sit and count, there is so much to count that words are not enough to express them.

 

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Day 29-writing

June 12, 2018

A sick day off from work. I have chest pain, both sides and a type of cough. I had my flu shot less than a month ago and now what was this ?

A day  of rest set me off good.

I catch up on some writing. A blog post requires to be written for PRIM& R about one of their webinars. It was a task I was putting off for a while. I completed it and sent it  off.

i am sneaking human antibiotics into the cat food served to the strays outside who each have an eye infection. My daughter thinks it is cat gonorrhoea since they all have it from birth. Some of them seem to be blind.Some cannot open their eyes. It is pathetic but they have a good appetite and don’t mind the antibiotic they are getting without their consent.

I love to address people by their names or some other form of address when I respond to their blog posts. I feel they are my personal friends if I do it this way.

Today is the farewell day for me at my office. A hotel has agreed to host lunch despite the time of the year. My days here are numbered. And I can feel the weight of the goodbye now. Though exciting times are in store, a tiny part of me remains here.

 

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Day 27- argument

June 10, 2018

A hot day. The weather seems to be the same day after day. How i wish there was some other hue to the sky than blue. The blue is beautiful but the shimmer and the haze through which one sees it is monotonous. It is boring. A little grey would be good. Or black. Sunsets are beautiful though, if one can get to observing them. They are like orange and red and blue mixed together.

It is surprising how animals and birds survive this weather outdoors. I sprinkle water out in the garden a couple of times a day, so the cats have a cool bit of space to sit themselves down but their panting pains me. The sultriness of the atmospher is too much for humans- what can we say about poor little animals and plants and birds?

Called my mom today. The call started off well and mom sounds upbeat. Somewhere along the way, the conversation wandered to my sister who stays with my parents and what  she advised my elder daughter about her future life partner. There is no life partner in vision but my youngest sister told my daughter to ask any potential partner if he reads the Bible and prays. My daughter who is all of 25 thinks she knows her own mind and was most upset about her young aunt( my sister who is 30) advising her about marriage. She thinks my sister should just behave her age and not give ” old women” advice. They grew up together though they are aunt and niece with just 6 years of age difference between them. My mom takes sides. She says she tries to be with the daughter who she feels is the underdog- in this situation- my sister is the underdog according to my mom.

I told my mom to accept my children as they are- with their aims of not ever getting married, living life independent and not be judgemental about their choices in life. My mom’s voice changed as I said this and she said, I don’t want to want to talk to people who don’t accept my daughter as she is. As it is, daughter( my sister) feels like an in between always- she is 30 and belongs to my generation but in age she is closer to my children.

It is  difficult to deal with mom who takes sides and who almost always is and has been judgemental about me and my children( at least that is what I feel). I have had the best deal in life according to her. I have the best husband, the best job, the best education and all through it, I am totally unworthy of all the blessings I have. Through my school and college life, I was less than ideal. I would not conform to the norm of my family and be an obedient child. I have never strayed or done anything traditionally considered unacceptable in my family but yet, I was never quite there. I would not stay in my college- I always wanted to quit my medical course as I found the college where I studied “too artificial”, too bullying, too interfering and too suffocating. Running away or not completing a course or changing direction mid way is and has been a “no-no” in our family.

We, each of us, husband, me and children are trying to deal with life as it comes. We have problems and deal with them when they pop up. Our life is not ideal- we argue, we fight, we pout, we wrestle, we disagree- but to people who look at us from outside they think we have it all- we are ideal, we have everything- but no one knows the real us.