Words without brakes

It is surprising how reading a book inspires one to write. A fountain that was dried up seems to want to send out water again. A tap that ran dry seems to be waiting to be opened up and let flow. Poetry seems to be flowing out. Can there be magic in a pen and can magic transfer from one writer to another ? It would seem so.

When I post, usually I read and re-read and sometimes trash my posts because they have been written over days and the day I am ready to publish, the post does not resonate with my inner muse anymore. Time has changed my outlook on the same issue even though much time has not gone by. Even seconds can change one’s way of looking at the same thing. Writing a post for me is like capturing a moment on a photographic plate, slicing through my life at that point in time. In epidemiology, cross sectional studies are defined as those studies that report events as they are at a particular point of time- such are my usual blog posts. A few days later, the same post does not seem right enough as it did the day it was conceived. Am I driveling ? Perhaps I am. But I continue to write in order not to stop the flow of that muse that has seen drier days and lonelier nights.

The book I picked up at the airport on my way back is my inspiration. ” Second Thoughts” by Navtej Sarna. It is a book which should be a reader’s dream book. A book that speaks of the writer’s travels through the circumstances and sometimes the places where the writers of his choice once lived or wrote. Imagine having the freedom to go to places or sit on site at tables or in rooms where writers once wrote and imagine the thoughts that went into those writer’s minds as they wrote. Writing should be the most honest of crafts for if written as words are born in the mind, it should be a thread that connects the soul of the writer with the soul of the reader. When I began posting I was such a writer. Over years, a veil seems to have clouded my writing, I seem to go back and read over my words and decide certain words must go or some thought removed( often to not offend) and then the post becomes presentable. In the process it becomes far removed from what it should have been. I see now, that my posts in recent days have been dishonest.

I am inspired to look in my library for many of the books written about in ” Second Thoughts”. The book describes the book ” Breakfast at Tiffany’s” by Truman Capote,which probably will be the first book I will be looking for. And another book- Landour Days by Ruskin Bond, which I might have read before but am inspired to read again. Seems like Landour Days is like a collection of Bond’s ” Morning Pages”, if such can be, a rambling through his days in Landour, a hill station in the Himalayas. The words the book quotes from “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” are the ones that have inspired me to look for the original –

“Never love a wild thing. A hawk with a hurt wing. One time it was a full grown bobcat with a broken leg. But you can’t give your heart to a wild thing: the more you do, the stronger they get.Until they are strong enough to run into the woods.Or fly into a tree. Then a taller tree. Then the sky. That’s how you will end up— If you let yourself love a wild thing. You will end up looking at the sky.”

As a mother who is probably going to lose her treasure to another, these words seem prophetic to me. Is that funny ? Is there even a comparison between a wild thing and a child ? Giving your heart to another living thing until one day that living thing leaves you and you are left looking at emptiness. If what remained was the blue sky, I would take it. If what remained was memories of good times together, I probably don’t want it. Does that mean one should not love to not be left holding the kite strings, once the kite has broken free ? When did I become a mother like this ? When did I change ?

Where do my rambling thoughts take me ? Mothers are funny creatures. They love and love and love, until surprisingly one day, the love seems to be a chain, a burden, a heavy weighted vest, which has to be cast off.

Hard work does break bones

Some children( read that adolescents) take on too much. My younger daughter, recently admitted to med school seems to be on a job spree. She wants to do everything. She tells me,” I don’t want to feel later that I have missed out something”. When she was just a year old, I remember her pottering around our house just looking for “naughtiness”. Its the same now- 18 years later. She used to avoid going to bed to not miss out on anything going on at home and would only sleep if her body absolutely refused to keep up. Somethings never change, it seems.

 In college, she auditioned for a dance and she was selected for the main event. She did well and a lot of people praised her dance moves. ( she is not a trained dancer but has always loved dancing, so she used to learn dance looking at the youtube). Ever since she has been selected for every dance in the college. The dance practices go on till late at night, so much  that she has no time to read her books. She is tired most of the time. Today she is in a dance that accompanies a carol- what child is this ? It seems carols have to have dances accompanying them in their college.

And then she is house captain for the Cochrane house. The job of the house captain is to gather people to come watch the various matches and even substitute as a player should there be a deficit in the number of players. This takes up a lot of her evening time. She tells me she has no time to do her laundry.

Finally, two days back all the stress got to her and she broke down while sitting on the sides cheering her Cochrane team during a volleyball match. The seniors sent her to to her room and advised her not to show up at the field for any match as she was doing too much. She got a good night’s rest that day. 

Where she studies is my alma mater too and I knew how things work there but children being what they are never listen to their mother’s-that is the rule of nature. So I kept quiet and let her learn to prioritise her duties and work on her own. Seems like she is learning a hard lesson.

 

Now may be best

A friend of mine from another university has been on the line a couple of times trying to contact me. I missed her calls a couple of times and didn’t call her back, when I could, always finding excuses to not call. She is one who has been following my journey about leaving this university to pursue my education. And now I am embarrassed to face her. When my visa was rejected, I told her but have been sort of restricting my communications with her to emails.

My mother, who is recovering from two cancer surgeries had her yearly check up last week. There is a small fatty lump in her abdomen still, which doesn’t seem malignant but one doesn’t know if it is residual tumour from the original mass or a new growth. It has been a year or maybe two years since she went to church. What with the hair falling off and the loss of weight and the sudden aging all her illness took their toll and she couldn’t attend church in a while. Today was a landmark day and she went to church and even had communion. For her it was a true red letter day.

I have a chance to go to church either every week- often I don’t take it and blame the weather or something else to keep away. For people who can’t go, the ability to go and stand through a service is such a blessing. I have heard the thrill in my mother’s voice as she narrated her experience being in church after a long time. One learns the value of small pleasures when one is denied that pleasure for a time.

I talked to my friend a few minutes back. I thought I should not put it away any more for now is best. There is no time like now.

The last summer holidays for the season

This summer has been fraught with short holidays- official ones. That is good, so our leaves are just the same as when summer started off. Thank goodness for compensatory offs for working on official holidays’. Thank Goodness also for being the only one around when others go off on vacations. It makes one feel good to be someone important for a change.:)

So the last summer holidays started or will start on Monday but since it is the weekend, we can count the weekend days too. Plus the fact that a very important leader has died has brought its own compensation. Also family travelling from home has left me to my own devices.

These days I am quite into cleaning and seem to be doing good too. Growing up, my mum  did all the cleaning and I used to watch her cleaning, never offering to help as I knew I would never reach her very finicky standards. Result is for all to see- I can’t clean – for nuts. I can’t even see dust or dirt till it is quite a layer high. Such is my sense of cleanliness. And dust mites don”t bite me- so I know until very late about the layers of dust that need peeling off. Today was a cleaning day. I have been watching youtube videos- particularly ones on Cleaning and dusting to start off my cleaning muse. Plus having an empty nest does help.

Last week, I started going to a school gym for 45 minutes of vigorous exercises- the first day it was weight lifting, the second- boxercise and the third it was fitness challenges, something like HIIT. With my 90 kg frame, it was difficult but I managed to keep going. Also remember, I was probably the oldest one in the group. The trainer was a woman who was in her last two weeks of her pregnancy- she did every exercise. I am inspired to go on.

Time away

The past two weeks were spent traveling with family. At last,  the college admissions are over. Whew !!

Sharing a few photographs of my trip.

The weather was good- I am grateful that I got to see some good decent weather this summer thanks to my trip.

The college campus was green, greener than I remember- perhaps someone has taken notice of climate change and planting more trees. It was cool under the trees. The old granite buildings, of more than 70 years, still stand. Inside the hostel, though things have changed- the lower common room showed its age. The furniture which I remember was made of cane- now it was of nondescript material and uncomfortable.

I have no pictures from inside the hostel but these few pictures were taken outside. See the friendly birds which were so tame and doing their business;  they didn’t care, I was sitting a couple of steps away from them. The canopy of trees looks like a tropical rainforest.

 

Family time Friday

I have been quiet on the blog. I have been quiet in the outside world too. Work went on as usual- a gratitude day passed by on Monday and a thought day passed by on Tuesday.

My family is back home once again. Until next week. It has been hectic for them- quiet for me. Its good to have them home but as you know, cooking gets to be a problem once more.