Day 27- argument

June 10, 2018

A hot day. The weather seems to be the same day after day. How i wish there was some other hue to the sky than blue. The blue is beautiful but the shimmer and the haze through which one sees it is monotonous. It is boring. A little grey would be good. Or black. Sunsets are beautiful though, if one can get to observing them. They are like orange and red and blue mixed together.

It is surprising how animals and birds survive this weather outdoors. I sprinkle water out in the garden a couple of times a day, so the cats have a cool bit of space to sit themselves down but their panting pains me. The sultriness of the atmospher is too much for humans- what can we say about poor little animals and plants and birds?

Called my mom today. The call started off well and mom sounds upbeat. Somewhere along the way, the conversation wandered to my sister who stays with my parents and what  she advised my elder daughter about her future life partner. There is no life partner in vision but my youngest sister told my daughter to ask any potential partner if he reads the Bible and prays. My daughter who is all of 25 thinks she knows her own mind and was most upset about her young aunt( my sister who is 30) advising her about marriage. She thinks my sister should just behave her age and not give ” old women” advice. They grew up together though they are aunt and niece with just 6 years of age difference between them. My mom takes sides. She says she tries to be with the daughter who she feels is the underdog- in this situation- my sister is the underdog according to my mom.

I told my mom to accept my children as they are- with their aims of not ever getting married, living life independent and not be judgemental about their choices in life. My mom’s voice changed as I said this and she said, I don’t want to want to talk to people who don’t accept my daughter as she is. As it is, daughter( my sister) feels like an in between always- she is 30 and belongs to my generation but in age she is closer to my children.

It is  difficult to deal with mom who takes sides and who almost always is and has been judgemental about me and my children( at least that is what I feel). I have had the best deal in life according to her. I have the best husband, the best job, the best education and all through it, I am totally unworthy of all the blessings I have. Through my school and college life, I was less than ideal. I would not conform to the norm of my family and be an obedient child. I have never strayed or done anything traditionally considered unacceptable in my family but yet, I was never quite there. I would not stay in my college- I always wanted to quit my medical course as I found the college where I studied “too artificial”, too bullying, too interfering and too suffocating. Running away or not completing a course or changing direction mid way is and has been a “no-no” in our family.

We, each of us, husband, me and children are trying to deal with life as it comes. We have problems and deal with them when they pop up. Our life is not ideal- we argue, we fight, we pout, we wrestle, we disagree- but to people who look at us from outside they think we have it all- we are ideal, we have everything- but no one knows the real us.

Day 26- June 9

Another hot day. A friend of daughter’s coming over to visit- she hasn’t seen my daughter for over two years. They are having a happy reunion at home- gossip, laughter and more gossip. She stayed over for lunch and tea- so a busy day.

On the other side, husband called one of his colleagues over for dinner tonight. It will be simple fare- fried rice, rice pudding, chicken curry, salads, samosa and spring rolls.

A couple of the little cats and their mother can’t keep their pink tongues inside because of intense heat. I gathered a few of them and popped them over into our laundry room and turned the AC on. They seem to be having a good cool time inside. I dread to think of the messes they might have made. The last time I put the white kitten in his box into the laundry room overnight- the room was smelling awful- he had made a mess in his box and days of scrubbing the room brought some semblance of normal smelling air in the room.

After lunch, I watched TV and promptly popped off. It is a habit with me now- put the T V on and go on to dream land.

One of my strongest desires these days is to be able to sleep on my back, flat, with or without a pillow. I get suffocated when I do this. I need to turn over to a side like a pregnant woman to get good sleep. I feel I am going to die if I lie on my back. This is my prayer. To be able to lie on my back. Maybe the steps of walking I take in my college life will help me reduce fat around my abdomen and get me sleeping on my back again. Until such time, wishful thinking.