Gifts/loans or endowments

One of the questions I was set during my speaking test was “Do we pamper our kids too much ?” . That evening on a TV channel (?CNBC), I saw a program titled ” Do we pamper them(pets) too much ?”

These coincidences often happen to me. Around the time I am deluged by one new thought, I see/hear/read about the same idea from another source and always within a time period of 3 days.

My younger daughter has most things her way- we have been more financially stable ever since she was born or perhaps its because we had brought up one child already and knew that all these growth stages will pass one day and then she will be gone.

She gets gifts almost every day. If she is in trouble in school or anyplace else, we bail her out ( not a good habit to get her accustomed to, I know) and for X’mas, it is a ball. My husband does not believe in giving too much, so he puts a brakes in all my giving but despite all his braking, I manage to squeeze a few gifts by.

Perhaps other families are the same.

What are the consequences of giving children too much ?

Most of the money we save up though our lives will go to our children- what are we setting them up for ? Will they always be clingy and hope to get things done through their parents ? When I visited Boston last month, one of the cousins I stayed with said that she paid her daughter’s educational loans for her Engineering course in MIT but now she is not paying her loans for her Medical education . Apparently the daughter does not value the loan/gift that much.

It is the same with research funding. When funds are available and times are good, people accept these things as their rightful dues and move on, with no accountability but when funding is cut down and research money is not freely available, the cribbing starts.

Do you feel we pamper our kids too much ? Do our children have so much that they do not value the little things in life ? What do you think ?

25 thoughts on “Gifts/loans or endowments

  1. I am guilty. Due to the divorce several years ago now, I’ve over compensated (pampered) my two youngest kids. Now, I realize I’ve become their servant instead of their dad because their mom’s spending habits. This entitlement mentality may have led, for example, to the recent uprising at a university.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Koji,
      Thanks for writing in. I think I am guilty too and that because I haven’t spent enough time, I feel, with her. I get affected when she cries, when she throws a tantrum, when she twiddles her little finger, when she pouts or looks generally bored- I do everything within my limits but it still is not enough.
      Will it ever be enough ?
      If I had been at home taking care of her full time, till she leaves for college, would I have been stricter, who knows ?
      I hope all this pampering does not get her arrogant and very demanding of the outside world and then frustrated when the world does not go her way.
      Only time will tell,
      Susie

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  2. I say, “Yes, we do.” I have watched this through the years and noticed a number of undesirable results. Not only that, but I have heard report after report saying that young people expect to get without putting in the work; that many of them lack the skills needed to live on their own…and so it goes.
    I am a firm believer in loving and accepting children without conditions. Having said that, I believe that they need to have things in their lives that earn “rewards.”
    Some of those are the normal life experiences of chores done well and praise for the good job. Chores need to be things that matter, like taking out the garbage, cleaning the bathroom setting and clearing the family dinner table, vacuuming and helping to prepare meals.
    Allowing consequences for unacceptable behavior is just as important. One of the most important lessons that a child can learn is that he/she has choices that come with consequences – either pleasurable or not; that he/she is a powerful person who makes an impact on the world. If everything is given and corrective consequences don’t happen, how will kids learn this??

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Thank you for writing in- you bring a lot of great ideas through your message. Consequences for unacceptable behavior are so necessary. My husband says I am a spoiled grown up ( 46 year old ) kid myself and perhaps I am but I lived only 16 years with my parents and 23 years with him- so you can guess who must have done the more pampering :).
    Children need siblings for one thing – when resources are few and the claimants are many, naturally they will learn to appreciate the value of little.
    And in the world outside of course, there are so many people for so few things- naturally only the strongest will survive and if need our children to be the strongest, we need to equip them to learn how to get there from early childhood. I am not sure if I have done a good job but keeping fingers crossed.
    Susie

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  5. To me it makes them adults who think they should have everything given to them and mommy and daddy will bail them out no matter what they do. I see it in one of my grandchildren. Spoiled rotten and is allowed to get away with everything. Just my opinion.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Tessa, this is what I am afraid of for my children, my nieces and nephews. I was also afraid of this for my little sister who is 18 years younger than me and I am afraid, she is learning the hard way, that life isn’t always a bed of roses.
      The thing is Tessa, they learn sometime but sometimes too late and sometimes too early. Who knows when the right time is ?

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      1. When they become toddlers and you have to start correcting behaviors and use the “NO” word. My daughter and the father hated the crying when he didn’t get his way and gave in. He expects everyone to give him what he wants by crying and he is 9 years old now. He has it rough in school. He had no boundaries. They don’t come with manuals, but a lot of us read books or just knew by our own upbringing what to do. That was not tolerated in my family. We were punished and not bailed out of situations either. Stop it now before its too late and don’t be surprised if it is too late. After a certain age they won’t change or even listen to you. And no, my children were not perfect either, but none of them have been in jail so I think that is a good thing.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Glad I made you laugh! Well they are tattooed and pierced, which is fine. No jail is very good. No drugs or alcohol problems. Although they do drink. They definitely aren’t perfect.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Without a doubt we pamper our kids way too much! But I’ll bet if our parents were asked that question about us they’d give the same answer. . As our means increase so does out desire to provide greater gifts to our children. The problem is that when we raise kids up in the setting of giving them all they want, they don’t learn how to deal with disappointment, nor do they learn to appreciate the cost involved. Maybe the best gift we can give them is to have them learn to earn some things on their own, or deal with the disappointment of not getting it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are right Gene-courage to deal with disappointment and encouragement to pick themselves up when things go wrong are great gifts we can give our children. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

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  7. Isn’t that something? You write about the same topic coming up over and over–and I’m in the midst of a Facebook convo about families and financial stability.

    My best friend’s son was appalled that we only have 8 Xbox games. Sometimes we do pamper too much, but sometimes it’s hard not to, especially if we didn’t have much growing up.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Sam Red says:

    Hi Susie, I don’t know really. My parents, who came from very poor backgrounds, were determined to give their children (me and my brother) everything that they never had. However, my brother and I grew up knowing that we were lucky, and we always felt grateful for what was being offered to us. I think my parents and my school played an important role in keeping us humble. From both, we heard many stories of poverty and about people in difficult situations. We also witness this first hand through travel and family stays. Moreover, we were encouraged to actively help those less fortunate then ourselves. So I guess, my view is that giving to children is fine as long as they are also shown the bigger picture. Joyful greetings, Sam 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sam, what a beautiful message there. Thank you for sharing another perspective- I am encouraged to put my children in the correct picture and show them people less fortunate than themselves. Grateful to you for showing me the way.
      Susie

      Liked by 1 person

  9. A good question. Probably. But don’t you think it’s also up to us to teach them that it’s not something they can expect but rather appreciate? Of course we always have to hope that in the end they actually appreciate it, but still. I strongly believe that we can make them understand that the things we do for them and the things they get are not something they have a right to. We do it and give it because we love them. We want them to have a good life. I think if they understand that, they will appreciate it. But then… my kids are still little and of course I don’t have a guarantee that it will turn out the way I think it would.

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