My elder daughter has been with us for a couple of days last weekend. She was asking me if I had loss of memory. I was surprised because I have always prided myself on having an elephantine memory. ( previous posts of mine will stand witness to this- I can’t forget things that have happened to me, especially things that have hurt my spirit) .
Of course, I denied it. It is my habit when accused of losing one or the other of my faculties, to go into a denial mode. But my daughter had a lot of examples to quote. Every Saturday, I asked her if she had classes that day. She says it shows I have loss of memory for how could a mum forget a thing the daughter has told her so often, perhaps even a hundred times over ? Its not that I had forgotten; i wanted to have something to talk to her and so out of common courtesy, I ask her , did you go to class today ?
But later and now as I think about it, perhaps I do have memory loss. I am never able to remember my parents’ wedding anniversary or my sister’s. Every year, I remember about a month later that my parents’ anniversary has passed. And with my sister’s anniversary, I never remember until many months later.
I have hated myself after any such incident- so perhaps I do have memory loss after all but a selective loss of memory.
I am thinking about why I have this problem. Perhaps I don’t sleep enough- and that’s true. Most days I wake up around 3 :30 am – groggy and tired but unable to sleep anymore for fear of missing out on some chore. The funny thing is I can’t complete any chore at this time because of being sleep-deprived and end up on the couch watching a soap opera, which I really do not want to watch.
I have a lot of work to catch up with-domestic chores, work chores, an exam popping up in September and so on but I have been unable to concentrate on any of these, because of my constant tiredness.
I am reading a post written on the Observer by Benjamin Hardy, where he asks – “are you one of those people in survival mode ?” ( Please read this article- it is so useful : 8 things every person should do before 8 am)
I am, for sure. I just manage to make it from one day to the next. I worry about things about which I can’t do anything about. I don’t eat well and when I do, I grudge myself every mouthful I put into my mouth. I don’t enjoy my work and am always wishing I was working elsewhere( though the money is good). And at home, I am in dreamland, in soap opera land, wondering why my life was not any different.
The writer of this post tells us to focus on small things and to take small steps towards our goals, which need to be charted down- that makes our life so orderly doesn’t it ?
I, who am a regular procrastinator, a Miss. Put-it-off, a worrier after Putting- it -off, needs discipline in my life and plenty of gratitude. I am going to try to follow these simple steps, advised.
1. Sleep well.
2. Prayer and Meditate
3. Hard physical activity
4. Consuming 30 grams of protein at breakfast
5. Take a cold shower in the morning
6. Read or listen to uplifting content
7. Review my life vision
8. Work towards my life vision, by taking small steps towards my goals.
I don’t want to end my life, not having done anything with my life, either for myself or for others. I don’t want to be that someone who does not remember what happened yesterday and being ungrateful for small mercies. I don’t want to be someone who is a constant cribber about what might have been.
I want to live in the today- doing what I really want and being happy at it. I want to create good memories and want to be able to remember them and be happy in them. I need to work towards writing down my thoughts, so I don’t lose track of them and forget things- I don’t want my memories to be buried among my burdens. I want to be truly alive.