46 years down, anything to show ?

I am 46 years old today. I have completed 46 years on this planet.  I often wonder, when I go, will I have left my mark on this planet ?

Perhaps not. Because as far as notability goes, I have done nothing that would make me famous or will make people remember me, when I am gone.

To ensure that people remember those who are dead, in many cultures, children are named for their grandparents in the hope that at least the grandparents’ memory will live through the names bequeathed on the grandchildren. Little do these toddlers know who or what their namesakes lived for.

In the past almost half century, i have I think been a good human being. I have tried to love myself, often unsuccessfully its true, but have never once felt wanting in love. Till I was 16, I was covered and smothered with love- the love of my parents, while in their care, which continues to this day. I have had a blessed childhood, filled with fun and security and the knowledge that there were kind-hearted parents who wanted me to be the best human being I could be.

As a college student, after I left home, I was less-than- average as a medical student but managed to pass all exams by the skin of my teeth, but pass I did. I have never once had to repeat a paper or go to that dreaded batch called the “B” batch. I have been ragged and bullied but when it came to my turn as a “senior” to bully, I did not bully. I feel in the college I studied in, I tried to bring about change and show them as true Christians, no ragging is justifiable. I am proud of this achievement of mine.

After marriage, I have had a lot of difficult times, balancing my career and my home- every time a choice had to be made, I chose the latter. I know that people have looked at me with pity, seeing the years go by, without anything to show for them but my two children and my family. It took a toll on my health and my self care too. Food became a solace for me. There were times when though I chose my home, my mind and soul, used to think of all that I could have done, had I not married or had children when I did. I love my children and my family but sometimes, because I have been trained as a physician, I regretted not having pursued my career ambitiously and made a ” name” for myself. Today I have a 22 year old who is on her way to becoming a doctor herself and I pride myself in the fact that she has passed all her exams, without resorting to cheating or copying. Copying is rampant in the educational system she studies under. I think her stand on this and on so many other issues is testimony to her strong faith in herself and her God.

Today I have a job, after a 2 year break- yes, it has been confirmed and I am back in the workforce again. I had been written off 2 years ago, because of my decision to voluntarily quit a potentially abusive job situation. But by the grace of God and the support of strangers, I have been led back to work. I earn well today.

I am able to take work place bullying by the horns and am able to look a bully in the eye and tell her( so far), to go away and that is no mean achievement.

If I could do something differently in the past 46 years, I would have chosen not to have taken the path of dependency on food for all my ills. Perhaps a lot of the issues I faced might have been thwarted that way. If I had gone off food instead of gone on to food during my troubled times, perhaps my life would have been different. But one thing I am sure of, through everyone of my years and the happenings of my life, through every thick and thin, I have had the guidance and support of my God who has kept me from hurting myself, even though I fell. i have gotten through the toughest of tough situations, but I have not faced any lasting harm. So much so that I can truly say, even though I walk or will walk through the valley of shadow of death, I will fear no evil for I know a greater force than any on earth is there with me.

For the next year, I hope it will be filled with fun-filled days, with new and wonderful friends, strength and courage to stand up to wrongdoing and an ability to speak up for myself. Today my husband gave me the greatest gift he could ever have given me : he said, that I inspired him to deal with people without fear and with integrity and he said that it has made him love himself more. That I felt was the biggest compliment any human being could have given me.

I will try to be a good friend to all people I deal with on a daily basis and try not to think evilly of those who do me harm.

23 thoughts on “46 years down, anything to show ?

    1. Thank you April ! You are the first of my blog friends to wish me. If you remember, last year, when I started blogging, you were one of the frequent posters on my blog posts, one who encouraged me constantly. Thank you for being in my life and encouraging me- believe me, your encouragement has worked wonders in my life. Thank you for being my blog friend.

      Liked by 2 people

  1. Happy Birthday! It sounds to me as if you have accomplished far more in spirit than in man’s bank-account mentality. Don’t apologize. Everyone helped or encouraged by you will remember you. The rich and apparently successful will die in fancy houses, perhaps, but no one will mourn them. Our purpose is to bloom where we are planted, and I think you’ve succeeded.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Oh Dr. Linda,
    How beautiful are these words. A wonderful birthday gift. These days I spend more time thinking about what might have been, Could I have worked harder or not done this or that ? Would my life have been different ?
    I am actually happy with myself and I think I am going good. When others measure me, they find me wanting because I often behave and talk different from the norm. But I am who I am and its difficult for me to change.
    Dr. Linda, on another note, I wanted to talk to you about something. I am applying for an MA course in Science writing. Do you think a masters course degree will help me improve my writing in any way ? Will it be worth the money spent because money is the most important consideration here- the course is quite expensive by my standards. As a writer, do you think it might help me publish scientifically ? My aim in doing this is to see if I can have at least one paper with me as a first author.
    What do you advise ? The course consists of 9 modules, each costing about 2700 $.
    Susie

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You are 46 years young! It is much better than being 60 years old. 🙂 It does appear you have left many a good influence on those around you. Isn’t that one part of life?

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  4. I’m a little late Susie, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I enjoyed the history you wrote in your post. I feel I know you better and am pleased we are friends. Your post is honest and lovely…have the FUN-FILLED YEAR you are dreaming of…dreams do come true. 😀

    Like

    1. Kathy,
      Thanks for your wishes and I count them as blessings. To tell you the truth, I was waiting for you to wish me because I felt my year wouldn’t have been complete without a prayer from you.
      Dreams do come true but they might come out a little different than what one dreamed for and perhaps the new dream is better than the old.
      Thank you, my friend.

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Happy belated birthday. You have written a great post–I feel like I know you better through what you have written. I hope this job works out for you the way you hope it will. No one needs the drama you previously experienced.

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  6. Thank you for your visit. This is an excellent post. I completely understand these self assessments. I’ve learned that I’m not really in a position to evaluate my own legacy. I have faith that if I continue to write and to learn on these days that I’m blessed to have; some good will have cone from. And if some good comes from what I consciously do with my time as my days wind down, I will have lived a good life.

    Liked by 1 person

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