Its just one of those days. I have been having feelings people have had for centuries. Why am I here on earth ? What is my purpose ?
Other than the fact that my daughter who is 15 will need me for a couple of years more, I seem to have done my work on earth.
What triggered these feelings ? I think it is my work ( what else could it be ?)
I work in administration- research administration- to be precise but I am a doctor by training. As a matter of necessity, I work as a research administrator. It is not a wise decision because not being able to work with people who need help really bothers me. All the more so, now, because I work in a college which has nothing to do with medicine.
Every day people look askance at me, when they know my background is from medicine. In the beginning it didn’t bother me too much but now it’s rankling. Somewhere deep down, I want to get back to what I was trained for.
Its not that I don’t like my job- everyday there are new pressures but yet, it has its pluses too. The package, for instance. I want to get back to the medical field and also be able to write – I am not sure, how or what.
The work bully, I will call her that, today, called me to her room as I passed by. Gathering courage, I told her, Sorry, I am busy now- can’t talk. Its that every time she’s called me the past month to her room, it has been to give me orders or to tell me some mistake of mine or to set things in order. Today I gathered up my skirts and told her. I feel good about it.
But these instances do take their toll. If one is not on the lookout, one can simply end up being a doormat.
In the country I live in, I cannot get medical jobs easily. So I need to take what I get. I hope one day I will get back into my first passion. Till such time, I keep hoping.