I am not sure —

Its just one of those days. I have been having feelings people have had for centuries. Why am I here on earth ? What is my purpose ?

Other than the fact that my daughter who is 15 will need me for a couple of years more, I seem to have done my work on earth.

What triggered these feelings ? I think it is my work ( what else could it be ?)

I work in administration- research administration- to be precise but I am a doctor by training. As a matter of necessity, I work as a research administrator. It is not a wise decision because not being able to work with people who need help really bothers me. All the more so, now,  because I work in a college which has nothing to do with medicine.

Every day people look askance at me, when they know my background is from medicine. In the beginning it didn’t bother me too much but now it’s rankling. Somewhere deep down, I want to get back to what I was trained for.

Its not that I don’t like my job- everyday there are new pressures but yet, it has its pluses too. The package, for instance. I want to get back to the medical field and also be able to write – I am not sure, how or what.

The work bully, I will call her that, today, called me to her room as I passed by. Gathering courage, I told her, Sorry, I am busy now- can’t talk. Its that every time she’s called me the past month to her room, it has been to give me orders or to tell me some mistake of mine or to set things in order. Today I gathered up my skirts and told her. I feel good about it.

But these instances do take their toll. If one is not on the lookout, one can simply end up being a doormat.

In the country I live in, I cannot get medical jobs easily. So I need to take what I get. I hope one day I will get back into my first passion. Till such time, I keep hoping.

17 thoughts on “I am not sure —

  1. Your post is simple yet very intense, conveying multiple messages. Firstly you are being a philosopher. You are at a typical stage of life when people start looking for life’s meaning. Secondly, as you yourself identify the reason, your helplessness is about your job situation. Not only that you could not get to work in your own field but also experience unhappiness where you work. Finally you are being stoic, trying to be hopeful.

    Life is full of compromises. If you are that desperate to move back to your original profession, you better do that if it is feasible, that is. It’s now or never.

    I can relate to it. I am qualified for many different fields but could not pursue half of them. Now I’m at peace, well more or less.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Alka, for your writing in. I think from your message, which is so full of feeling of my pain, I think I can call you my friend. I find it difficult to work in administration, compounded more by work bullies and their interference.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I write about patterns: “patterns of soul development”.
    One such pattern is that adult people, especially those who have had a certain amount of progress and personal evolution (well read, delve into things of the mind and soul such as philosophy, arts and even sciences, go through something known as the “middle age crisis”- usually between 30s and 40s. As crisis, it is supposed to be more or less painful, but it serves an evolutionary purpose. Through self-analysis and pondering over reality and life – like life’s Big Questions, the ones tgat you’ve mentioned – the individual is supposed to grow from the normal, ego-centered personality into a personality centered around the Self. the process has been described in detail by Swiss psychiatrist Jung; he dubbed it “individuation”. Do you think it applies to you??

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I do think it does. Maslow describes this too, I think, now that you reminded me of Jung. Once one’s basic needs, money needs etc are met, then one reaches a stage when one wants to be famous- I think my feelings may stem from that or are reaching that level.


      1. “Want to be famous” translates what? It translates a basic need to be acknowledged and validated by family ad society to one’s real, best potential. Please check this article about outgrowing oneself, it makes a lot of sense…


    2. Hi Mirella,
      Read the article and thanks for sharing. Most of what is written is true for me except the self annihilation part- haven’t reached that yet and hope not to. I just think whatever the job, I would be happy if I got a chance to express myself through my writing.
      Best regards,

      Liked by 1 person

    1. April,
      If you count the number of times I have been bullied, it must be the second time for me to stand up to a bully. Believe me, it made me feel all good inside- perhaps as good as the bullies feel when they bully. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I can only say, have faith in God. Everything will be all right soon. It is very painful to work what you don’t enjoy. You know you deserve much better but as a mother you have done the right thing. Money too matters.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Susie, I hope you get back to your first passion too. So glad to hear you say, “I gathered up my skirts…” I love that! I think you did exactly the right thing. God bless.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.