What is happening to me ?

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Race the Clock.”

Today I have been thinking about writing about what has been happening in my life over the past two days. Was debating whether it was worth sharing at all .

Anyway, the “Race the Clock” challenge came just then and here I am.

I work in an office where over the  past two months I had had to vet research proposals and submit them to a funding agency, so they could review them and if found suitable, provide assistance.

There are four of us in the office and there were 120 proposals to go. Reason says that they should be divided 30 to a person, right ? And so it was divided but soon, the chief decided to take some proposals from two of the others and give them to me to vet, because I was new and the experience of doing more would teach me better and the others’ had other work to do , whereas I was appointed for the express purpose of vetting these proposals before the deadline.

So I used checklists to vet the proposals and managed to submit about 45 proposals of my own to the granting agency. In addition, I had to submit the ” vetted” proposals of two other staff to the agency, when they took their Christmas break. So in all I might have submitted about 90 proposals.

Two days back, we got the results of the preliminary screening by the agency- 116 proposals out of 120 had passed screening and 4 did not make it.

Our office( all staff are back now after their vacations) is now in an investigation mode and trying to find out what happened to the 4 and were their any avoidable human errors, which could have been rectified ?

It turned out that out of the 4, one was a proposal i had looked into from scratch and 3 were the ones I submitted for the people on vacation. So the report shows my name as the person who vetted all these proposals.

Yesterday’s meeting was about finding explanations. I had to provide them. I made a mistake and accepted it- I find it rather easy to accept mistakes and apologize for them but my office would have none of that. They wanted to decide which of these cases was appealable and which were not. Turns out my instance was not appealable because it was a gross overlook and no one could do anything about it. The other 3 have gone for appeals.

I have been wondering if its worth going to work at all- funny thing is actually I don’t feel any pain at all; years’ of being ill-treated and bullied at work at my previous workplace have numbed me to pain any more. I am in such a mode as to even think its all the blame of the writer- he should have checked his work with more care.

I am amazed at the human mind and its methods of shutting out pain- I use escapism, the blame game and even try to excuse myself saying ” I was new and didn’t know better”, considering the number of proposals I vetted and submitted, the numbers that didn’t make it are so small.

I need to understand that in the larger picture such instances can make or break a writer’s life.

Need some time to recover and some time to rest. Whew !

4 thoughts on “What is happening to me ?

  1. Business had evolved – it is no longer a business but exercises in regulated procedures. Don’t you long for the days when a person could open his or her doors to customers and whether they bought or not meant you came back the next day? Now, zany performance criteria and laws govern whether an employee is good or not…and cheating still occurs in spite of these crazy laws! I hope your next day will be better.

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