Why am I here ?

I sometimes ( no these days it is often) wonder why I am on this earth.

What is my purpose here ?

Am I doing good to any one ?

Will I be missed when I leave or will it be ” good riddance”?

Everyday I am reminded of how hopeless and futile living is

Life is too short for some and too long for others,

For those for whom it is too short, they wished they lived longer

But for those who live long, they wish their lives were shorter.

How can we find out the purpose of our lives ?

I guess we can only guess why we are here .

Sometimes it might be to provide a comforting shoulder

For someone to cry on.

Or it may be to provide some food to a hungry, cold bird

Or it may be that I can provide shelter to a shivering cat

My human mind can find no human need for me to be on earth.

But there seems to be always someone who wants me here,

And perhaps that is what keeps me living and my life going on.

Is it wrong to wish for our lives to be shorter ?

Is it wrong to think that we are of no use to any one ?

I wonder whether i will ever get an answer.

Till such time, I have no option but to live life as it comes

And hope that tomorrow will than today be better.

Snoring and obstructive sleep apnea

In recent days, my family has noticed that I snore a lot when I sleep. The funny thing is I know that I am snoring too- perhaps I am in that part of the REM sleep, when I am semi- conscious but conscious of sounds that I make. Anyway, I have been told that snoring can lead to obstructive sleep apnea,which can lead to day time tiredness.

Now daytime tiredness is something I am familiar with. I have had it for about 7 years, if I remember right. But I thought it was because of my tiring job and stress at work that made me tired and not refreshed after my night’s sleep. And getting up at 4 am to prepare breakfast and lunches would make a person tired, wouldn’t it ?

Who knows ?

I went to the ENT doctor yesterday to get my “snoring” checked. It seems I have a very narrow respiratory tract and that is probably caused by my obesity. Great !

After years of yo-yo dieting and watching what I ate, now I am told that I need to lose weight urgently or I have the risk of dying in my sleep. I really don’t know what I can do about it. I think I have tried everything in the book. The one thing I don’t do regularly is exercise. I work at a desk and  I prefer to sit for more time than walk around. Also being in my mid 40s does not help.

I need to start a diet journal and watch my calories. I also need to exercise regularly and diligently.

I am now scheduled to have a polysomnography test.

I don’t really care what the results of the test show – I just wish I could sleep better and be welcoming of a new day like others are.